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What Is Your Love Language?

Love Language. What is it and what does it mean to you? Having been married for coming up to 30 years, you would think that my husband and I would have a good understanding of what was important to each other, and we do, even though it was a bit by accident.  So, what is a Love Language, and how does it work?

According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 main ways couples express and interpret their love to each other:

  1. Words of Affirmation
  2. Quality Time
  3. Physical Touch
  4. Acts of Service
  5. Gift Giving

It was only recently my husband and I spent time discussing this in depth and discovered that  both of our love languages (the way each of us express and interpret love) was almost identical. Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation and Quality Time are our top three. This simply means that we both highly value a touch, hearing loving words and spending time together with undivided attention.

What would have happened in our relationship if one of us had receiving gifts as a top priority? What if my husband thought that by showering me with presents on a regular basis was all he needed to do to show his love for me, and seeing this was the lowest of all my priorities – how would I interpret these gifts?

As Valentines Day approaches, have you thought about what it is that makes your partner feel loved and what is important to you in a relationship? If your partner values gift giving and you don’t send her the dozen red roses and that beautiful piece of jewelery she has been dropping hints about for the past month, and suggest you sit at home and watch a movie together instead with a bottle of wine, how will she interpret your actions? In your mind, and as a person who values spending time together, you believe you are showing your partner you love her. she thinks you are being cheap and stingy.

What about the woman who highly values acts of service, and spends hours ironing your clothes just the way she thinks you want them, cooks you a delicious meal every night and has the house immaculate everyday, thinking this shows how much she loves you. When all you need to be shown to feel love is to be held and hear those 3 special words “I love you” and you don’t really care if the house is a bit untidy.

It is equally important to understand your own Love Language, even if you don’t have a partner. By understanding what you value highly, and equally importantly what you don’t value very much, helps you understand why you react in certain ways with people in all areas of your life.

Are they really being inconsiderate, or do they just value different things than you do?

This understanding can help in work relationships as well. You may value Words of Affirmation and get upset if your boss doesn’t publicly acknowledge what a good job you are doing. He may think that giving you a Christmas Bonus is all he needs to do to show his appreciation.

By understanding what is important to you, and how you feel loved and appreciated, and  share this with the people who are important in your life, whether that is an intimate partner, your friends, or your children and in turn understanding their Love Language, your relationships can blossom and grow.

Happy Valentines Day to everyone.

Why not spend some time discovering what is truly important in the lives of those you love?

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21 Responses to What Is Your Love Language?

  1. Sire says:

    Hey Brenda, I’m five years behind you, we’re celebrating our 25 years of marriage by spending a week in the States. We’re actually leaving on our anniversary and because they’re a day behind us we actually get to spend it overseas.

    I think the language of love also means having the capacity to forgive your partner when they stuff up. Marriage isn’t always a bed of roses and I reckon some fail to see that.

    • Congratulations on your milestone Sire.

      Yes, we all have moments we wish we could take back – a word said in anger or not following through with things that we know are important to our partner. I recently undertook a course where Relationship Banking was discussed (thank you Andrew Van Der Reest) where he discusses that relationships are like banking. You must put in enough deposits into your bank to counteract the withdrawals, otherwise your relationship becomes bankrupt. A great analogy I think, and not just for marriage, but for any relationship – works well with your children and friends also.

      Have a wonderful trip to the states and Happy Anniversary

  2. Sigrid says:

    Just what I needed to read at the moment – couldn’t understand why my husband showed no appreciation for the things I do for him…it makes sense. Thank you Thank you Thank you

  3. Thanks Brenda for these thoughtful reminders. I totally laughed when I read these sentence;

    “In your mind, and as a person who values spending time together, you believe you are showing your partner you love her. she thinks you are being cheap and stingy.”

    Because that’s exactly how we spent our valentine. I just hope she didn’t think I was cheap and stingy. Although we did cook a very lovely meal and drank wine and danced, reading this now will make me sit her down and have a long conversation about what she really sees as love.

    Great timing with the post. Brilliant!

    • Glad the article was helpful Tito. It is so important to understand what we each value in our relationship. I have seen many occasions when one partner fully believes they are doing the right thing (their intentions were good), but their partner didn’t see it that way as they had a completely different wa of showing their love.

      A fascinating topic, and so easy to make changes to any type of relationship.

  4. Eugene says:

    Got a lot out of this article. Talked to my partner after I read it, and I realized had it all wrong. She just needed to be appreciated for what she does for me. I like touch…thank you

  5. Rachelle says:

    Keep up the great posts – loved this info

  6. Emma says:

    Loved this post

  7. Lisa says:

    Love this book, and love your article. A great reminder

  8. Cheri says:

    Keep up the quality posts – if more people understood that we each view things in a different way – life would be so much simpler

  9. Elisha says:

    This really helped me and my partner – thank you very much

  10. Zoe says:

    I need touch and spend time. My husband needs to be appreciated for the things he does. Great understanding

  11. Gloria says:

    Enjoyed this book immensely – I attribute it to saving my relationship

  12. Sharon says:

    I like gifts and my husband needs physical contact

  13. Vivienne says:

    Thank you – going to buy this book now to follow up

  14. Gloria says:

    I always assumed that everyone would need words of affection to feel loved – I can understand now that I was wrong. It makes sense to me now

  15. Diana says:

    Relationships take work and if you can understand what is important to your partner – it is so much better for you both

  16. Rubin says:

    Love your content!

  17. Whitehorse says:

    Thanks for a marvelous posting! I genuinely enjoyed reading it. Have a nice afternoon!

  18. Kitty says:

    I just added this webpage to my google reader, great stuff. Cannot get enough!

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